If You Could See Me Now
by SashaAlexanders
Summary: I got inspired by The Script! Tony only realized his feelings for Kate after it was too late and he's taken her death pretty hard. Can he finally get closure after three years? Tony/Kate and Tony/Gibbs.


_I still look for your face in the crowd, oh if you could see me now. Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow? Oh if you could see me now._

It really was true, the whole 'you don't know what you've got until it's gone' and 'you don't know real love until you've loved and lost' crap. Or at least it was in Anthony DiNozzo's case. There wasn't a day that went by when he didn't think about Caitlin Todd. He missed her. Like _really _missed her. Despite their constant bickering - which was usually his fault anyway, he actually really liked Kate. Well, it wasn't until he was staring down at her lifeless body on Ducky's autopsy table that he realised the extent to which he liked her. He loved her. And now, three years later he still did. He still hadn't proscessed the fact that Kate was no longer there, Ziva or not. He would still look around for her in the Bullpen, still expect to see her walk through the doors every morning, still expect her to elbow him in the ribs when he would make an inappropriate comment.

He liked Ziva. She was nice, a good agent. Loyal. She was respectful of Kate and her memory. It took Tony a while for him to like her. He felt she was trying to replace Kate, especialy when she took Kate's desk, and nobody could ever replace Kate. But over the years it was easier for him to accept Ziva, however that would _always _be Kate's desk, even if Ziva had sat there for three years.

His mind would often wander and today was no different. He was working late and everyone else had gone home. He sat at his desk staring at Kate's old desk. His mind filled with memories; the way Kate would take a nap in the spot behind her desk, the way her desk was in the perfect position for him to throw things at her, the countless times they had food fights, the time he plastered the picture of her wet t-shirt contest around the office, the way she would make fun of him for 'tounging a transsexual'.

He wished he had realised his feelings for her sooner, not when she was lying dead on a slab. He wished they had had more time, that she had never died. Again his mind began to wander. This time he wan't remembering, he was imagining. Imagining what his life would be like if Kate was still alive. Would he have realised his feelings for her? Would she have felt the same? He liked to think that the answer to both them questions was yes. Yes, he would have realised how he felt and he would have told her and she would tell him she felt the same way and they'd be together and break rule 12, a lot, and Gibbs wouldn't seem to mind because he would only see how much they loved eachother, and then he'd propose to her, good and proper, he would get permission off her parents and they would have a big Catholic wedding, he would most probably tear up when he saw he walk down the isle arm in arm with the man who would most probably terrify him and they would get married and have a house full of children - girls, as beautiful and smart as Kate and then they would grow old together and probably end up in the same nursing home as Gibbs. Yep, the life he dreamed of having with Kate was perfect, there was no denying it.

Three years ago he wouldn't have even thought about settling down with a woman, let alone with Caitlin Todd and now he would do anything to have Kate back and have that life with her.

"DiNozzo, what are you still doing here?" Gibbs asked, pulling Tony out of his daydream as he rounded the corner, coffee in hand.

"I was finishing up on paperwork. I thought everybody left"

"They did. You do do your best work at night, DiNozzo" Gibbs sat at his desk.

It was dark but Gibbs knew the look on Kate's face. Gibbs was the only one Tony had told regarding his feelings towards his former partner. Gibbs knew that whenever Tony had this look on his face, whenever he had been thinking about Kate, that things would end bad. Drunken weekends in Vegas, fights with strangers, depression.

"Do you think she'd feel the same way...if she was alive?" Tony blurted, forgetting who he was talking to.

"I don't know, DiNozzo. I know she cared for you, a lot but even if she did. Rule 12" Gibbs took a sip of his coffee.

He too missed Kate. Everybody did. He blamed himself for her death. He should have saw the glint fronm Ari's sniper. He should have taken the bullet, not her. He hated thinking about Kate because it would always result in him feeling guilt.

"I miss her, Gibbs" Tony sighed.

"I know you do, DiNozzo. I do too" Gibbs sighed. "But she's in a better place now. She's looking down on us, keeping us all safe"

"I know, I just, I just wish we'd have had more time...or that i'd have realised sooner"

"Everything happens for a reason, Tony. It's okay to miss Kate, but you need to move on. She would want you to. What you're doing, it's not healthy. I don't want to have to pick you up again!" Gibbs raised his voice, his voice was filled more with concern than with anger.

"Do you think she'd be proud of me?"

Gibbs shot Tony a questioning look.

"...I mean, if she could see me now, would she be proud of everything i've done?"

"I think she would, but she would want you to be happy, and that involves you moving on from her. You love her, I get that but there is no point on dwelling on what could have been"

Tony had forgotten Gibbs was an expert on this situation. That's why he was so nice towards him when it came to him and Kate.

"You ever think of what could have been?" Tony asked, hoping he hadn't pushed his luck with the question.

"I used to, but then I realised doing so didn't get me anywhere. Just like it's gotten you nowhere in three years. You love Kate, you will always love Kate but now what you need to do is go on with your life. You have one, she doesn't. You can't waste yours dwelling over what could have been. Kate would agree with me"

"I don't want to forget her"

"You don't forget, you just move on" Gibbs took another sip of his coffee.

Gibbs was right, but Tony had no idea how. How to move on. How to accept the fact Kate was gone. How to accept the fact he would never get the chance to tell her how he felt. He opened the bottom drawer of his desk and stared at the contents. Kate's sketch pad, her ballcap and her PDA. Her cap still smelt like her, although now the smell was faint and it smelled more like Tony's drawers. Her PDA used to beep and go off sometimes, and it still did occassionally, alerting that it was somebody's birthday or anniversary. She always was super organised! He smiled as he remembered Kate's drawings and how the one of him was offensive - which now, only seemed to make him love it more. He closed the door, locking it and putting the key back on the peice of bluetack under the desk before stretching.

"Thanks" Tony said, mid stretch.

Gibbs said nothing, only gave Tony a nod and a smile. "Now go home!...And remember, you don't forget, you jut move on"

Tony headed out of the building. He had taken in everything Gibbs had said, especially the fact he thought Kate would be proud of him. For some strange reason he wanted to make her proud, he put it down to the fact he was in love with her and that he would want to be the type of person she was proud to be in love with, but also now it was about making her proud, having her look down on him and be proud. Proud of how much he had grown as a person and as an agent. Everything he was going to do from now on would be for Kate. Gibbs was right, he had a life and she didn't. He wasn't going to waste it. He wasn't going to let her die in vein. He was going to live both their lives as best he could, and ever decision he made, he would do it for her. She would be proud of him. He had never been a big believer in heaven but now Kate was gone, he hd to believe there was a heaven. Where else would angels go? For the first time in a long time, he felt a genuine smile flash across his face.

As he exited the building he looked up at the sky. The stars were brighter and bigger than they had ever been before. Kate really was up there, she always lit up a room whenever she entered it.

_I still look for your face in the crowd, oh if you could see me now. Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow? Oh if you could see me now._

**Okay, I got the idea to do this whilst listening to 'If You Could See Me Now' by The Script and I love the song and I love Tate. Thank you for reading and I hope you liked it. Please leave me reviews.**_  
_


End file.
